I wrote my Master’s thesis on
differing communication styles I dubbed Tell Alls vs. Say Nothings.
Some individuals, man or woman, cement their intimacy by revealing
every fleeting erotic fancy, let alone actual previous or current
encounters. Also in that camp are those who are turned on by these
tales and mark the sharing of them as proof of their special status in
their partner's life. If you are one of these or, more importantly,
are coupled with one, the decision to tell or not will be far easier.
Your conscience will be cleansed, your partner titillated, and your union will be even more solidified.
But what if you and your partner are not
both in the same camp or your communication style status is not so
easily discerned? What if you guess and you guess wrong? That could
very well mean the end of your relationship!
Let me
state that for most people, there is a penalty for sexual adventures
outside the couple. Unless the two of you are in an open relationship
(and even then in many cases) one person is likely to feel bad about
such an occasion. The cheater, for not living up to his or her own
standards of morality or the partner’s, and the cheated upon for being
supplanted in the partner's affection, even momentarily. If you tell,
both get to feel bad. If you don't tell, only one of you does.
That
might indicate an easy decision then but most of us really have to
struggle against the urge to confess. Whew, what a relief....and then,
and only then, do we see the results of obtaining that relief - our
partner's anger and distress. So while confessing might feel better momentarily, the consequences may be dire.
Not
confessing has consequences too. Secrets often create distance, a
barrier to intimacy, and the secret holder has to be ever vigilant not
to let the cat out of the bag.
Whatever you decide, and no one can make this very private decision for you, here are some points to ponder:
1)
If you decide to confess an indiscretion, plan your disclosure for an
appropriate time and manner. Don=t blurt it out or hurl it out in
anger.
2) Be prepared for any possible reaction - from your
partner=s leaving you to a long period of healing the broken trust to
the possibility of an equal disclosure on his or her part.
3) If
you confess, state clearly what you want and expect in the future.
Renewed closeness and appreciation of what you have? A renegotiation
of the rules of your relationship?
4) If you decide to hold your
tongue, be prepared for and accept the discomfort that may go along
with keeping your secret. It may be lifelong.
In any case, while
it is said that confession is good for the soul, think long and hard
before you decide it will be good for yours.
-The Confession Candy Staff
